Satisfied, but yet Regretful.

I have been in some unexplainable rut the past maybe 2 months or so. SO unexplainable, I couldn’t even justify it to myself. I’ve tried to make excuses for some of my actions, and honestly I am dumbfounded on my desperation for them. I have been in a state of mind where making decisions and following through with them have been such a difficult task. I haven’t been this ‘blah blah’ since my dark strung out days, and even then I couldn’t blame my addictions, but more so on my mind frame that led me to that point. At the time things happened too fast and I didn’t know how to handle it. So, eventually I let myself get stuck. In the present, I suppose that is what’s happening too I suppose, minus any substances. I wasn’t really ready to come back home, to bring myself back to Hollyweird. This has always been a home base I suppose, but I haven’t technically lived here in years. In August of last year I was still figuring things out and by September, boom, I was back. Even then I still hadn’t digested my decision. I was buried into things trying not to look back and just moving forward. So I moved forward until I fell into a blur. The blur didn’t totally sink in until mid January I suppose. In this blur I didn’t know exactly what I was looking at. Was I sinking back into old habits that made me feel dependant again? I believe so. My dependency was on some sort of security. I guess to justify that life hadn’t moved on without me. So, I let myself sink back in with letting others depending on me and vice versa. It was only a few days ago that this realization had overcome me. It took a combination of: being fed up, regret, lots of anger and the voice of a total stranger to help me figure this all out. So, I have stood my ground on topics that have been so heated and figured out a plan to get life back moving again.

MY MOOD: Satisfied, but yet Regretful. “Regret is insight that comes a day too late”

When I Come Around

I heard you crying loud,
all the way across town
You've been searching for that someone,
and it's me out on the prowl
As you sit around feeling sorry for yourself
Well Don't get lonely now
And Dry your whining eyes
I'm just roaming for the moment
Sleazin' my back yard so don't get so uptight
you been thinking about ditching me

No time to search the world around
Cause you know where I'll be found
When I come around

I heard it all before
So don't knock down my door
I'm a loser and a user so I don't need no accuser
to try and slag me down because I know you're right
So go do what you like
Make sure you do it wise
You may find out that your selfdoubt means nothing
was ever there

You can't go forcing something if it's just
not right

No time to search the world around
Cause you know where I'll be found
When I come around

No time to search the world around
Cause you know where I'll be found
When I come around

When I come around

Enough is Enough

I can be assertive when I need to be, but in personal matters, that’s where my assertiveness lacks. I don’t have trouble speaking up about anything business related, or about fair play with others or basically anything that really doesn’t involve me. What I do have trouble with is speaking up in my own personal behalf. I have worked on this for years, trying to be a bit more assertive and not letting myself become a doormat, and honestly I can feel a change. I still do have issues where it’s real hard for me to say no, or sometimes I can be a bit too giving and I just can’t help it sometimes. Sometimes being too giving leaves room for people to knowingly take advantage. I open up my generosity and I’m not really asking for anything in return. I just really want to make sure people are taken care of and help give them a crutch so they can walk again. I’m not asking for a “Thank You” or anything monetary. What I ask in return is for these individuals to actually try something; you don’t have to walk the mile, but maybe, just maybe, stand up.

Saying the Right Thing

I don’t usually have a problem talking to people or looking for something to talk about. I don’t usually get nervous around people either, unless there is good reason to be. Lately, there have been a few individuals I where I feel I am always saying the wrong thing or give a real bad impression of myself. I think I’m coming off a bit judgmental when in reality I am so far from it. I guess the reason for me stumbling on my words is I am looking for the approval of certain people, when I really shouldn’t care of others opinions. Since I am already saying the wrong things and opinions may already have been formulated, therefore I should keep to my morals and really not care what others think, correct? Ideally I suppose, but I think it is human nature to only seek approval from those you admire. If you think about it, I admire mainly those with a free sprit and those who are free from judgments. Then why am I trippin? I just want to say the right thing and stop being nervous. I wonder why I find that so difficult around only certain people?

Move Me

Lately I find it difficult to keep my patience. Seeing and being around people have become something of a bore. Well, it’s more than a bore; it’s an indescribable feeling that makes me lose interest in a person that same minute. All people seem to have this affect one me, and when I mean all people, I mean all people. Those who I never usually get tired of, well, I tire of them. Those who make my heart skip a beat, well, it still initially skips, but soon right after lose it’s luster. Those who are trying to care; I seem to pay no attention to. Those who I dislike, well, I still dislike them. It’s not like I have some big underlining problem that has caused me to hate on everyone and everything, or that I am a hater. I don’t hate my life nor wish it would end. I’m not wishing for some great love to sweep me away or need anything in monetary terms (though, that would be nice!). I think I am stuck in some standstill, in the midpoint of life where something needs to happen or be decided. What it is I have no idea, but my life feels like it needs a good shake to help me understand my existence. I need to feel motivated. Motivated about something and I don’t mean any hobby or creative outlet. I mean something with substance, something that can be felt with my soul. Could it be my faith is being questioned? I can’t even define my faith as it is. It’s something I just feel and know. I suppose and since “feeling” is something I am lacking, then maybe I must somehow find a way to refill this cup of faith. How to do that; I have no idea.

Just an Idea

I fell in love with an idea. The idea of perfection. This idea of perfection is so tranquil that it is my last thought before I close my eyes. This idea brings forth some of my deepest goals and desires. This idea is something I don’t speak of, ever, but something that passes my thoughts constantly. This idea is a plethora of intelligence and whit. This idea has lots of patience and kindness. This idea is so in tune with the world and has no idea of it. It can feel when others look past. Along with this idea of perfection includes many imperfections. At times this idea can be too practical and lose sight of the impossible. This idea can be quite impressionable. It can look up to the wrong figures. It can be blind. It can too scared and timid. It passes on risks of the unknown. Even with all its imperfections, this is what truly makes this idea perfect.

Soap Talk

General Hospital is one of the greatest daytime soap operas to date. From this show alone, we have seen the start of Elizabeth Taylor, John Stamos, Rick Springfield, Vanessa Marcil, Emma Samms, and the list could go on. It’s been years since I actually sat down and watched that show. At times it was easy to follow along, cause you know how soaps go, pretty predictable. Other times, I am totally lost with the characters, like who the hell is this suppose to be, and why has the character changed actors like 5 times? Anyway, within the past two months, I am totally caught up and been never more so involved with a damn soap.

The glue point for me was the return of Rick Springfield as “Noah Drake”. I was like, "what the heck is going on here?" Granted, months before there has been some news of him dropping a new album, and I chuckled at the thought. Bringing him back to GH made some sense I suppose. It gave room for plenty of promotion for Mr. Springfield himself as well as lighting a bit of fire on GH. Heavens know it sure needed it. At one point, it was a bore with the same lame crap over and over again. How many trials does Sam and Jason need to face in their relationship, or Sonny be fathering yet again another child, when at one point during this show, he was cursed with the bad luck of miscarriages and death, or how about Sonny and his pedophile attaction to Emily? Weird I tell you. How many times must Carly try and pull one over on someone, or abandon her kids yet again for her silly obsessions?

Rick Springfield brought on another reason why I have been so regularly glued to the tube; the introduction of his yummy surgeon son: Dr. Patrick Drake played by actor Jason Thompson, who is an absolute hottie. Springfield also brought back Robin Scorpio. Now, her character I will have to admit can be a bit of a bore at times, but her on going flirtation with the young Dr. Drake has been nothing short of amusing. As Robin Scorpio returned, few weeks later, so did her infamous father “Robert Scorpio”. Another reason to glue yourself to the tube. The man supposedly died, like what, 13 years ago or so? Tuning in just to see what happened to him would be reason enough. Reactions with his family members like Mac and Robin would be nothing but priceless, along with his reunion with former drinking/adventurer pal Luke Spencer. With Robert Scorpio’s short return; it brought on a shorter return for Holly Sutton. Yes, Emma Samms has returned. I was a bit disappointed in how her character played out, I was hoping for something crazy and extravagant, but nonetheless, exciting stuff going on in Port Charles.

In the midst of all this crazy drama, I think the death of Tony Jones was the most impacting. I will admit this publicly only once. I cried. I couldn’t help it. Out of all the damn characters to kill off, they killed the one who was beloved and been there from the start. It saddened me deeply. I started watching this show as a kid. I really felt like I knew this character. I grew up watching him. He was a compassionate guy. A loving father and husband. Granted, they ruined his character at one point with a few crazy kidnappings and an affair with his wife’s long lost daughter, but he was still an upstanding guy. He’s like rooted to this show. I’m still teary-eyed thinking about this.

All the really exciting stuff has passed, but still leaves way for the greatness that we call “General Hospital”.

Airs weekdays on ABC at 2PM. Check it out!

HOPE

"Hope" is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land
And on the strangest sea,
Yet never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

-Emily Dickinson

Savannah

Today I had a few hours to kill before I had somewhere to be. So, I did my usual thing of turning to my dear friend, my trusty DVR! As I flipped and clicked through HBO on demand, I finally made my selection "Midnight In The Garden of Good and Evil". I've been meaning to rewatch this movie or re- read the book after a trip I took a few months back to Savannah. GA. I love this movie to bits. SO much charm, so beautifully done and so much character. Savannah is a place that has so much character and history in every aspect of this little city. After seeing this movie again, I couldn't help but "awww" in amazement how they captured that feeling onto the screen. The mystery, intrigue and the warmth of the South is captured through every brick that is layed out in the city. You can literally feel it in the air and every inch your foot steps on. Even the trees have a certain mystique to them. Every part of the this city is surround by rich history and is portrayed so in the film. If you ever get a chance, watch this movie then take a trip out there or vice versa, or do either. Whatever the case, your soul must explore this greatness.

A Chapter Closed

Don't be discouraged by a failure. It can be a positive experience. Failure is, in a sense, the highway to success, inasmuch as every discovery of what is false leads us to seek earnestly after what is true, and every fresh experience points out some form of error which we shall afterwards carefully avoid. -John Keats

Unintentionally I had sifted through a lot of old memories trying to find a place for each one of them. Nostalgia had come over me. Some good, some bad and some to be forgotten which headed straight for the trash; in a way to finally help me let go of things that have been harbored for so long. I thought in the past two years I have dealt with a lot of anger, but after just seeing hoopla of crap, I was bitter all over again. Bitter not in the sense that I am still heated, but more like I had a bitter taste in my mouth that needed to be washed away. Whatever I had put in the wastebasket was like a cupful of Listerine. It burned just a bit, but by golly, was very refreshing. They say that every experience is a lesson, something that helps build your soul. How does something that was doomed right from the start teach you a lesson? Possibly not to play with fire or to have listened to your intuition? Yea I learned that and so much more. The word failure had so many meanings in all of this. Literally. It’s kinda comedic. Whatever the case, I have taken this failure in stride and in return turned it into success.